You probably don’t remember the very first time you heard “The Golden Rule”, but suffice it to say, it’s likely crayons and blocks were a major feature, and praise for making it to the restroom was a not-so-distant memory. It also likely marked the beginning of a life-long journey with empathy; our first lesson that our actions effect others, and that a world existed outside of our wants, desires and feelings. 

Placing yourself in the shoes of another to truly gain an understanding of them and their feelings lies at the heart of empathy. And The Golden Rule - doing to others what you would have them do to you - at its heart, is a valuable lesson. It forces us to act with a modicum of understanding as it relates to others. But it’s also inherently selfish. It presumes you as the arbiter of the wants and feelings of other people, based entirely on what you would want, or how you would feel. It doesn’t take into account the unique experiences and preferences that everyone has as individuals - that they may not like or want what you like, or accept what’s acceptable to you. 

In other words, just because I love surprises doesn’t mean you will surely love a surprise party. 

Ahh, but my heart was in the right place; of course I didn’t intend to make you uncomfortable. Neither of which, of course, negates your consequences from my actions. 

There’s an infamous episode of The Simpsons in which, for her birthday, Homer buys Marge a bowling ball. Never mind that she doesn’t bowl. Or that he engraved his own name on the ball. Now, it’s perhaps an extreme example, but it paints an easy to understand picture of The Golden Rule gone wrong. Had Homer come from a place of empathy when choosing Marge’s birthday gift, and not done what he would want done to him, their ensuing marital problems could’ve been avoided entirely. 

What we’re proposing is a new Golden Rule: do unto others as they want to be treated. In other words, your actions, as they relate to others, should reflect an understanding that everyone has different experiences, likes, and dislikes. It means respecting boundaries, even, and especially when they’re narrower than your own. And if you don’t know how they want to be treated? Ask. The mere question itself propels an empathic connection beyond what many are aware enough to make. This, of course, doesn’t mean totally abandoning the old rule. Treat it instead as a bare minimum benchmark of acceptable interaction with the world around you. 

What Do We Do With This? 🤔💭

1. You must stop and ask yourself, "Do I really know what the person would want in this situation?"

2. If so, is it actionable? Can you do it now?

3. If not, are you able to ask what they want? And if so, how do you best go about asking them?

4. How does what they want align with what you want? And if it doesn't, what can you learn about this person to gain a more global understanding?

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